Contents
Chapter 1 The Overseas
Assignment
Chapter 2 Moving
Abroad
Chapter 3 On the
Move
Chapter 4 Special
Issues in Parenting Abroad
Chapter 5 Family
Chapter 6 Raising
International Children
Chapter 7 Special
Families, Special Challenge
Chapter 8 Those
Who Care for Our Children
Chapter 9 Health
and Safety
Chapter 10
Developmental Stages
Chapter 11 Language
Learning
Chapter 12 Schools
Chapter 13 Values
Chapter 14 Identity
Chapter 15 Growing up
Chapter 16 Going Home
Chapter 17 Crises
Abroad
Appendix A Situation of Employees of Different Organizations
Appendix B Cultural Parameters of Education
Short excerpts from each chapter can be accessed by
clicking on the
Chapter you would like to take a closer look at.
The Overseas Assignment - Living Abroad with Children –
Expatriate Children – The Parenting Key – Responsibility
The Overseas Assignment
To go or not to go,
To stay or not to stay,
Those are the questions.
Paul, moving from Milan to Dar es Salam and on to Tokyo, goes through the same developmental stages as Christopher, growing up in London, but Paul's environments are radically different and constantly changing. Because he is still developing, the impact of any one move will be different. He moved to Dar es Salam as a toddler, to Tokyo in the fourth grade. Now, at 14, he and his family are preparing to move again. In each place his parents have had to make a lot of decisions for him, even when they were not really familiar with the environment. Where should they send a 4-year-old to kindergarten in Dar es Salam? Was it safe for their 12-year-old to use the subway alone in Tokyo? For Paul to weather so many changes, his parents have to provide a lot of support. The problem is that they must cope with the same changes without much support for themselves.
Raising children abroad is the same as at home, yet it is completely different. Are you a parent considering an international move, or are you already living abroad? The question of what an international life means for your children is an important one. Should we even take our children to another country? Does it do them any good? Does it do them any harm? And what does it mean for us as parents? What extra challenges do we face? Will we be able to do a good job of bringing up our children in foreign countries?
When our family fled crisis situations in Liberia and then in Zaire, I wondered what we were doing to our children--and what we were doing to ourselves. But these days our children take all sorts of situations in their stride. Grown and almost grown, they have their ups and downs, but they are capable of riding the waves of change. Their knowledge and understanding of others lends them a degree of compassion and empathy that I struggle to emulate. I consider raising them my greatest achievement, and raising them abroad the most interesting thing I have ever done.
Moving Abroad - Choosing a posting - Different Organizations,
Different Circumstances - Conflicts of interest –
Job Description
Moving Abroad
Wendy says, "When we went to Hong Kong we lived twelve stories up, with just a tiny balcony. I had to keep the windows closed and the balcony door locked all the time, because I was worried about the boys falling. There was no park or playground close by for them to play, and no other children living nearby. The kids spent all the time in the apartment. They never even learned to ride bikes. When we went to Nairobi, they just loved it. We had a big garden, and for the first six months they only came inside when it rained. Our house was quite close to the school, where they could go swimming, and there were other kids right next door. I felt like they were finally having a proper childhood."
Taking children to Kisangani or Timbuktu is not the same as taking them to Sydney. Where children live significantly influences their lives--whether they live in a large house or in a small apartment twenty stories up, for instance. Health services, schools, and available activities are different in each place. The culture is equally important. Children absorb what they see around them, which will also affect, to some extent, how they feel about themselves. In countries where foreigners are viewed with suspicion, children are likely to feel less comfortable. Equally, they will feel more comfortable in countries that are welcoming of children; where children are expected to be a bit noisy and are welcomed in hotels and restaurants, or in people's homes.
Whether a place is "good" or "bad" also depends on the children. At different ages they have different needs. A toddler needs a safe place to play; teenagers need to have some independence. For very lively children, living in countries in which this is viewed positively--as a sign of temperament, for instance--will be easier than living in places where they are supposed to be quiet and well-behaved all the time. On the other hand, shy children may feel more at home in countries where people are reserved and keep their distance.
On the Move - Preparing to move – Planning
Goodbyes – Traveling - New Beginnings
On the Move
Sean's parents were not worried about their upcoming move to Budapest. Moving from Dublin to Taipei and then on to Dubai, their son had done well at school, made friends and participated in lots of activities. Now that Sean was 14-year- old and ready to start high school, it seemed a good time to move again--but Sean opposed the move from the start, and when they arrived in Budapest he hated everything. The weather was "depressing", the apartment "a poky hole" and the kids at school "dumb".
How we manage a move with children influences their adjustment. Taking them abroad is not necessarily unfair, provided that we don't move too often. If we take their needs and feelings seriously, they can profit from the experience, learning to manage change and new environments, which will help them later in life as well. However, ignoring their concerns can leave them with a backlog of anger and resentment. Without our understanding and support at each step along the way, children are far less able and likely to make a successful move.
Moving is not the same experience for children as it is for us--and it is a different experience for each child and at each age. A change of country affects a 2-year-old differently than a 16-year-old because each child is confronted with a different combination of challenges. As a result, there are no recipes for moving overseas successfully with children, but there are common factors. An overseas move--whether from home to a posting, from one posting to another--or back home again is a major change for all children. Saying goodbye, leaving, and adjusting cause strong emotions--anger, frustration, loneliness, disorientation. These must be acknowledged and dealt with.
Special Issues in Parenting Abroad - Norms of Child
Raising –
Children's Friends - Support systems
Parenting Abroad
Barbara notes, "I'm glad we brought our children up abroad. We always had to think about what we were doing with them. I think we must have done some things well because we have a good relationship with them now--but it wasn't always easy. We never knew if we were doing the right thing and there was no one to ask. I used to talk to my mother about things when the kids were small, but she didn't know anything about the places where we were living. I talked to other expatriates and read a few books. We stuck to basics, but sometimes we were just winging it. It's worse with teenagers. They want to go places and you don't know if it's safe. They often made fun of me because I was nervous, but they wanted to do things that I'd never done, so of course I was scared."
We want our children to grow up to be balanced and fulfilled adults, but how do we achieve this when living abroad? They are growing up in a foreign environment. As parents, we encounter situations that our parents never had to face. Because our children face special challenges, they have some different needs from those of peers at home. We want to bring them up in much the same way that we were, but we don't have these cultural models in front of us. Instead, we are surrounded by different ways of raising children. How do we decide what is the best? How do we deal with other people's criticisms when they think they know best?
Abroad we also become the sole keepers of our children's well-being. Our extended family can no longer provide support. Some social institutions are not available because of language or because as foreigners, we are not entitled to their services. Services that we are used to are missing or we don't know where to find them. In Japan, for instance, we can't just look in the phone book for a party service or a sports club. At the same time, expatriate children need more support than ever as they adjust to new schools and find new activities and friends.
Family - Family Systems - Family and Continuity –
Family as Home – Apartments and Houses
Family
Annette says, "I know we haven't always done the right things. Sometimes I think I haven't been as good a mother as I would have liked, but when I look at families at home, I am really happy with ours. Even though they've left home now, the kids keep coming home. They call often, and we know pretty much what they're up to. We were really involved in their lives--maybe too much sometimes, but when I look at families at home, they're just so casual. It's like family is just something you grow up in and then leave. It's nothing enduring. But it is for us."
When we move abroad, we become the ultimate nuclear family, often thousands of kilometers away from extended family, friends, and other support systems. At the same time, the family becomes the mainstay for expatriate children. In the absence of friends, it becomes more important, a major source of support and comfort and the one thing that stays much the same while everything else changes. For many expatriate children, family members are the only people who have shared their experiences in various countries. Building a strong and durable family therefore is an important part of parenting abroad.
Family building has physical and emotional components. We must create a physical home for children abroad, a place in which they feel comfortable and safe. Even more important is creating a caring environment so that children can grow up healthy and confident, sure that they are loved and cared for. Creating a home for our children against a changing background is not easy, but we have a number of tools that can help. We can create a physically pleasant place to live no matter where we are. We can work at generating a warm and comfortable family atmosphere and give our children the security of predictable limits and a set of family traditions that provide a sense of continuity. We can work harder than usual at "family" skills: communication skills, understanding, negotiation, and supportive discipline.
Raising International Children - Succeeding Abroad
–
International Skills – Independence
Raising International Children
Helena says, "When we first went abroad, I was really worried about Leif. He was a difficult baby and didn't like change at all. We've moved three times and it hasn't always been easy. He takes time to settle. But he's really well-balanced now--or a 16-year-old anyway--and he thinks that living abroad is great. The other day he was on a chat line with a cousin at home who's just a bit older and was shocked that she's already planned out her life in the town where she's always lived. He said, 'There's so much to do in life. She's missing all the adventure.' I thought that was interesting because if we had stayed at home I'm sure he would have become one of those people that never want to move."
In many ways, international children are made and not born. How well we do abroad as adults depends to a large extent on our personality and abilities. For children it is the other way round. Their personalities are influenced in many ways by their experiences abroad. In an overseas environment they are more likely to become adaptable and tolerant, for instance. Of course, temperament is also a factor. Children who can sleep anywhere, eat anything and communicate with everyone will adapt more readily. Older children have relatively well-developed personalities before they go abroad. But given parental support and encouragement, almost all children can adapt to this lifestyle, becoming more flexible and outgoing than they would be if they had stayed at home.
Living abroad can be a growing experience for children. Not only can they survive without serious negative effects, but the experience can enrich their lives. "International" skills and abilities such as adaptability, tolerance, and resilience help them thrive. Parents can help their children develop the skills and abilities that will enable them to make the most of their stay abroad as well as acquire skills for the future.
Special Families, Special Challenges - Stepfamilies -
Single Parents – Divorce –
Family Violence – Children with Special Needs -
Adoption - Cross-cultural families
Special Families, Special Challenges
The Jackson five--Bill and Pat, Marianne 15; Sandy 13; and Adam 10--moved to Paris six months after Bill and Pat married and took custody of Bill's children. When they were barely settled, Bill was off traveling for six months of the year, leaving Pat to deal with the children. Pat organized birthday parties and kept in touch with the children's teachers, but she felt as if she was constantly "running to catch a train she had already missed." Marianne began staying out until all hours and engaged Pat in regular screaming matches. Sandy became withdrawn and fell behind in school. Only Adam did well, developing a good relationship with Pat. Bill, struggling with his own job, was unable to deal with the problems at home. Three years later the family moved home, but not before Marianne was sent to boarding school after throwing a chair at Pat, and Sandy had lost a year at school.
Going to live abroad is exciting. It is also stressful. The first year of living abroad is equal, in terms of stress, to several normal years at home and is a challenge for any family. For families faced with special challenges, such as stepfamilies, single-parent families, or families with members with special needs, the stress level is even higher. These families should consider a move abroad carefully. If they decide to go, they must find out what resources are available and consider how to cope with the challenges.
Some conditions are exacerbated by the stress of moving abroad--alcoholism, for instance, and some psychological conditions. Abroad, treatment options are often limited or inaccessible because of language and cultural differences. Occasionally the host country offers better treatment alternatives than those available at home. Discuss the situation with your doctor or therapist before leaving home, and get as much information as possible about the situation in the host country before making a decision.
The challenges facing one family member are challenges for all. This is true in any situation, but families are thrown together much more abroad than at home. When they arrive in the host country, they don't know anyone else and must depend on each other for company and support.
Those who Care for our Children - Other Parents –
Household Employees – Saying Goodbye
Those Who Care for Our Children
Galileo says, "Roberto went over to a friend's house to play and came back covered in white powder and with scratches on his arms. I asked him what he'd been doing and he said that he and Irfan had been playing on a building site next to Irfan's house. I called Irfan's mother and asked her if she knew where the boys had been. She said that they played there quite often and she'd told the boys to be careful."
Everything about child care is cultural. We bring up children so that they will think, act and believe according to our culture. This is not so much deliberate as simply passing on the things we learned. As a result, we take many of the things we do with children for granted. I tend to assume that children need positive reinforcement, for instance, but people in some cultures avoid praising children in case they become arrogant or over confident, a highly undesirable trait. In other cultures, people believe that praise attracts the attention of malevolent gods. In some cases children are not named until they are several years old to in order avoid such unwanted attention.
At home, others often care for our children: grandparents, babysitters, child carer providers. Abroad, we also entrust our children to others, but often they are from different cultures. They will automatically do things differently than we do and may not understand how we expect them to behave toward our children. When we give instructions, a lot gets lost in translation. Child carer providers will therefore treat our children according to their own culture much of the time. Contact with child carer providers from other cultures is a great opportunity for our children to learn about these cultures, but we must proceed with care.
Health and Safety - Health - Mental Health -
Depression –
Safety – Legal Issues – Moral Issues –
Travel Safety
Health and Safety
Therese says, "We took Simone to the emergency room. She was bleeding badly and screaming but no one reacted, or at least not what I would call react. They were so slow. Eventually they put eighteen stitches in her leg--pretty competently, and everything was clean--but I'm really glad she wasn't hurt worse. Later our family doctor said we should have called him. He would have organized everything."
In terms of health and safety, each country is a new situation. The health system will probably be very different from what we are used to. In some countries, you can just turn up at the hospital. In others you must be brought in by ambulance or have a doctor's referral. You may be expected to prove that you have insurance before you receive treatment, or, as foreigners, to pay up front. Attitudes toward health and illness vary. While every life is fought for tenaciously in some places, death is considered unavoidable in others, a critical difference when a child's life is on the line. In each country there are different dangers. A new country may be safer than home in some ways and more dangerous in others. We need information about the hazards in a new country and about its health care system in order to protect our children.
Mental Health
We don't leave our weaknesses behind when we fly to foreign shores. They are securely packed in the luggage of our psyche. We simply begin a new journey.
Change is not as good as a rest. Moving abroad is stressful, with elements that can trigger a variety of psychological conditions. Stress, disorientation, and periods of depression are part of the agenda for expatriates, but can overwhelm those who are already facing psychological challenges. If a member of your family has a history of psychological problems, consider an overseas move carefully. Some psychological conditions are permanent; others may recur under certain conditions. Some conditions, such as certain types of depression, neurosis, schizophrenia or psychosis, have genetic components and the children of parents (or close family members) suffering from these illnesses may have a higher biochemical vulnerability to these illnesses. If these conditions have occurred in your family, seek professional advice. Consider ways to reduce stress abroad and look for treatment options in the host country as soon as possible.
Developmental Stages - Infants - Early Childhood –
Middle Childhood – Adolescence
Developmental Stages
George was only 6 years old when he left Brazzaville and does not remember much about the five years he spent there, but the country and culture have left traces. Some of them he is aware of: "I hate heavy clothing or tight things. I never wear jeans." His father, however, thinks that living in Congo influenced him in other ways. "George makes friends with everyone. He doesn't care where they come from. His wife is actually from Senegal," he says, "And George just has attitudes that he didn't get from me. He doesn't take things as seriously as I do. He's always telling me to 'lighten up' or something like that."
The effects of moving and living abroad depend on the child's age. Living abroad has a profound impact on young children. This is a period of rapid development and children are "programed" in many ways by their environment, which, in the case of expatriate children includes a host country. As adults we interpret the foreign environment in the light of cultural programing learned at home, but young children do not yet have such filters in place. They soak up what is around them more or less indiscriminately. Because young children learn by imitating, they mimic the behaviors of the people around them. Adolescents going abroad for the first time are not affected in the same way. Their minds are already programmed to some extent. They are more inhibited by language and cultural differences and usually don't throw themselves into the host country culture or the expatriate community in the same way. On the other hand, they consciously reflect on their experiences. Having other-culture friends helps them develop the ability to consider other people's perspectives. In general, living abroad broadens their horizons. The majority will maintain an interest in international affairs throughout their lives.
Language Learning - Language Options – Learning a New Language
Language Learning
Fifteen-year-old Megan says, "There are all these stories, like spy novels, about how people speak a language perfectly after a year, and about kids that speak lots of languages. I wish it were that easy. I've tried so hard to learn French, but people here still look at me like, 'Stop crucifying our language.' "
Expatriates are often criticized for not learning the language of their host country. It's a fair criticism. Many of us don't try to learn host country languages, or we try and then give up. Learning a language takes a lot of time and effort, and we may become reasonably fluent just in time to move on. The same goes for our children, but there is more at stake for them than the convenience of being able to communicate in a host country. Growing up in an environment where they can't speak the language affects the social development of young children and the independence of older ones. On the other hand, learning too many languages can mean that children grow up without a real mother tongue. They may not become thoroughly proficient or comfortable in any one language.
Language learning in children should not be taken lightly. Learning a new language is a key to understanding others, and children who learn a new language also gain cognitive and linguistic flexibility. But they can't absorb one language after another without negative effects. Expatriate children are often faced with the need to learn many different languages as they move from country to country. Many use different languages at home and at school, as well as the host-country language. It is therefore important to plan children's language "careers". When you first go abroad, decide on an educational language for your children and try to keep them in schools that use this language for instruction. When offered a posting, consider the host-country language. Do your children already speak it? Can they learn it easily? If children must learn a new language, decide how to provide the necessary support for them and how to avoid negative effects.
Schools - International Schools – The
International Baccalaureate –
Local Schools - Other Options - Choosing a School -
Settling In –
Changing Educational Languages – Children with
Special Needs
Schools
Roberta says, "Our four children attended five international schools altogether, and they were all quite different. The one we all liked best was quite small with only 300 children from K-12, but it was a happy school. The principal really wanted all the kids and teachers to get along with each other. He believed that international education was something special. Unfortunately, after three years he moved to another school because of a conflict with the school board."
Schooling is an important issue for parents moving abroad. Many parents hesitate to accept an overseas assignment because they not want to risk their children's education, but in general, being educated abroad is good for children, at least academically. A study of hundreds of American college-age students who had been expatriate children found that they were four times more likely to earn a bachelor's degree than the national average. However, there are special challenges associated with education abroad, and schools should be chosen with care.
Most expatriate parents send their children to international schools. These schools cater primarily to expatriate children and can be found in most large cities around the world. However, local schools have advantages in some cases. Some parents prefer boarding schools or home schooling, or leave their children in the care of friends or relatives. Unfortunately, there are few options for children with significant special needs.
As soon as a transfer becomes a possibility, find out what schools are available. Contact potential schools immediately, as many international and private local schools have waiting lists. Some give preference to specified groups of people, such as diplomats, depending on their mandate.
Plan children's educational careers abroad carefully. You may not be able to predict what your next posting will be, but most organizations have transfer patterns. How long is the average transfer period, for instance? Is this a one-time transfer, or will you eventually move to other countries as well? If you are only staying in a country a year or two choose the schooling option that requires the fewest adjustments. Most children can change school systems and learn new languages, but this takes more time. If you are likely to make several moves abroad, your children should stay in the same school system--American, British or French--through all your moves, or at least in schools that use the same language. If you are planning to stay in one country a long time, or if your children have already been attending school in the host-country language, local schools have certain advantages.
Values - Our Values - Their Values -
Tolerance –Ethical and Religious Education
Values
Brian upset his grandmother whenever they played games together. "He cheats," she said, "and he's not even ashamed when I catch him." Back in Africa, Brian's mother paid closer attention to the games he played with his nanny and realized that the giggling and laughter she heard occurred mostly when they managed to "out-cheat" each other. The real game was a test of wits that had little to do with the board or counters in front of them.
When we go abroad as adults, our cultural systems are well developed. They include sets of values we have learned from our family, friends, community, and country. Children growing up abroad will also be influenced by their environment, but this includes other-culture friends, schools, communities, and countries. While we consider new ideas in the light of an already established belief system, children have fewer of these beliefs through which to filter new impressions. As a result, they absorb different ways of thinking and behaving, and because they are still developing, these become part of their belief system and perspective on the world.
Expatriate children grow up able to understand other cultures in a way that we cannot. They are better able to walk in other people's shoes and take on different perspectives. These are keys to thriving abroad, and we must help them develop these skills, but how far should we take this? Should our children accept everything their friends believe or always approve of the way they behave? What values do we really want our children to have? What values must they have to guide their lives?
To live wisely and safely, children need ethical guidelines and a sense of moral purpose. Expatriate parents face the challenge of helping children grow up tolerant, but with their own set of beliefs and values to guide them. Fortunately, often these are not contradictory goals but a matter of common sense and balance.
Identity – The Meaning of Identity - Social
Identities –
Promoting Healthy Identity Development
Identity
Nineteen-year-old Jason says, "When people ask me where I'm from, I don't know what to say. I mean, I have an American passport, but I never lived here until now. If I say I'm from North Carolina, where my Mom and Dad are from, people make comments about the Panthers or something and I can't really say anything intelligent. I can't say I'm from Rome, even though that's the place that still feels most like home, or that I was born in Singapore. I just don't look the part somehow."
"Where am I from?" and "Who am I?" are questions with a special twist for expatriate children. When people ask where you are from, they're asking not just about a geographical place, but about the country and culture you feel you belong to. Expatriate children who have spent years outside their own country often feel that stating their nationality does not answer the question, not only for others but for themselves. They feel that there must be something wrong because they don't have an easy answer.
Ironically, it is often the questions rather than their lives that cause problems. Many expatriate children have a healthy sense of themselves. They don't feel that they're from nowhere; rather, they feel that they are from many places. They also have strong ties to a wide circle of friends, even though they may be scattered around the world, as well as to family. Several things in the expatriate environment may actually promote a healthy sense of self. The need for different perspectives can be good training for coping with the "multiple selves" of adolescence. Being confronted with many cultures pushes children into making choices about how to behave and what to think. Also, moving forces children to develop a sense of themselves, away from friends and support groups.
However, there are special challenges for expatriate children. Because they have contact with different countries and cultures, they have many choices in deciding who they are and where they belong. Many have lived in several countries. They may even have more than one nationality and passport, either because their parents are from different countries or because they acquired citizenship while residing in a country. But regardless of where children have legal rights, they often feel that they "belong" in some way to the countries they have lived in, and each country influences them in some way. Expatriate children absorb facets of other cultures and mindsets. They are influenced by friends from many countries. All of these elements must eventually be reconciled into a coherent sense of self.
Expatriate Children - Traits of Expatriate children – Issues
Expatriate Children
Sonja says, "Melissa's studying medicine. She decided that was what she wanted to do when we were living in Bangladesh. I think it was seeing all the misery there. I guess she felt that she wanted to be able to do something about it. It's quite a financial burden. We've got two other kids as well, and her Dad jokes that then she'll probably go off and work for Doctors Without Borders or something and we'll still be supporting her. I mean, that's fine and we're proud of her, but that would be a really hard life."
When children live abroad, the courses of their lives are changed. But what is it that changes? In what way are they different from their peers? How will their futures be affected? Most grown-up expatriate children believe that living abroad has affected their lives, from career choices to how they relate to others. Many feel different from their peers. When we take children to other countries, we take on a special responsibility. To understand the implications of our choices, we must look at the effects of living abroad on children.
Nineteen-year-old David says, "We're all individuals, not just a big mass of TCKs (third culture kids). I wish people would remember that."
We talk about expatriate children collectively, but they come from every country in the world. Each has lived in different countries and has had a unique set of experiences. Almost all feel that they are different from others, whether at home or abroad. However, many of their experiences are similar, from international moves to international schooling. Certain issues are relevant to all expatriate children--for example, the effects of moving and growing up in other cultures and of fitting in back home again.
Twenty-one-year-old Kate says, "It's only when you go back home and compare your experiences with others that you realize how much more interesting your life has been and how much more interesting it will be because you 'see' so much more."
Many expatriate children are glad that they have lived abroad and feel that their lives have been richer, more interesting as a result, but they also feel that they have paid a price. They may never quite fit in at home, for instance, or may feel that they have missed out on things like high school athletic programs, or never staying in one place long enough to get good at an activity. Some are affected in more serious ways: They are plagued by feelings of homelessness, unresolved grief, and loneliness. In terms of education, most expatriate children are quite successful. According to a large U.S. study, nearly 90 percent of adult expatriate children have some academic postsecondary education, and more than 40 percent have earned a graduate degree. Over 80 percent have become professionals, semiprofessionals, managers, or officials.
Farah says, "It's all in how you see it, really. There's just about nothing that doesn't have a flip side. Going new places is horrible in some ways, but you learn how to survive on your own and how to make friends. You have to prove yourself all over again as well, but you also get a new chance. No one is saying, 'Well, she's like this or that.' I just happen to be really positive, so I think I got the best out of it."
Children's experiences of the same situations are different. How they feel about the advantages or the difficulties and challenges of expatriate life depends to some extent on their ability to see things in a positive or a negative light, both while they lived abroad and as adults back home. Those who see life abroad as an opportunity often suffer less when confronted by difficulties and challenges. Those who are able to consider their international background in a positive light as adults are better able to utilize the skills they acquired.
Going Home - Preparing to Go Home - From Global to
Local –
Fitting in at Home – Going Home alone – Issues
Going Home
Twelve-year-old Jenny was going home. She had spent vacations at home in Australia since she was 4 years old and was looking forward to returning. But at her new school in a small town she had no idea what the other girls were talking about. She didn't know anything about horses, and they were not interested in Rome or London or the things she knew about. However, within a few weeks her accent matched theirs and she had caught up with the local TV series. Her parents felt that she was adjusting well, but one day she came home in tears. "I just don't feel like myself anymore. The others don't understand me. They're not even interested."
The hardest move is going home. When going abroad we anticipate problems and prepare for them. Going back to our own country should be easy. Unfortunately, it is not. Time marches on, and our familiar world has changed. The corner store has disappeared and our running group disbanded. Even more unnerving, we have changed. We have new interests, and we miss warm weather, the opera, or papaya for breakfast. We see everything through new eyes. "Our" city may now seem shabby and dirty. The longer the absence, the harder it is to readjust.
For children, the differences are even more dramatic. Things have changed more for them. Their friends have new friends. The things children do and talk about change rapidly, and children cannot rely on what they knew before. Their memories of home are vague and less vivid than the new customs they have learned and the experiences they have had in host countries and in schools abroad.
"I fit in okay, but some things are weird. In the changing rooms in Rome everybody just got undressed. It was no big deal. Here all the girls hide themselves. They thought I was an exhibitionist, so now I get dressed under a big towel."
Children grow up. When they go home they are no longer at the same developmental stage--no longer in kindergarten but in high school, for instance. Their peers now have different interests. There are new demands on them. How are you supposed to behave in high school? What does everyone talk about?
When returning home, culture shock is as much a reality as it is when going abroad. This is now widely recognized, and the reaction is referred to as "reverse culture shock". Expect your children to go through an adjustment process similar to that they went through when moving abroad. As with culture shock, they are likely to be excited about being home but then start finding fault, encountering difficulties, or feeling miserable. It usually takes several months for them to settle down and feel at home.
Crises Abroad - Dealing with Crises – Effects of
Crises on Children –
Healing and Moving on – Medical Emergencies -
Business Crises - Political Crisis
Crises Abroad
In May 2000 Joe was diagnosed with a brain tumor. An employee of a multinational company, Joe lived in Cairo with his wife Angelina and their three boys. Within two days he was on a plane home with his family for an operation to remove the tumor. Three weeks later Angelina returned to pack up the house. She says, "The tumor was not malignant, thank goodness, but Joe picked up an infection and was ill for a long time. We lived with my parents until our stuff arrived from Cairo, which was a strain for all of us. The boys fought all the time. They missed their friends at school and hated the cold weather. We didn't know if Joe would be able to keep his job. It was a terrible time, but we were lucky to have friends and family to help us out."
Crises abroad are particularly traumatic. Even at home people become ill, have accidents, or suffer nervous breakdowns. Companies go bankrupt or lose contracts. But if you are living overseas the impact is greater. For one thing, we cannot deal with crises as competently abroad as at home. Most expatriates don't know their way around in foreign places as well as they do in their own city or country. Our support network is often inadequate, especially if we have not been in a place very long. When we have to return home, we often have nowhere to go. As a result, the impact of crises is worse. They are more likely to be traumatic for us, and for our children.
When something happens abroad, expatriates often have to leave: to get treatment for a seriously ill family member, to find another job when a company goes bankrupt or when a country dissolves into political unrest. In many cases we leave in a hurry or under less than ideal circumstances. We cannot pack up in an orderly fashion, or others have to do the packing for us. In political crises we may simply pack a suitcase and leave everything else behind. In most cases there is not much chance to say goodbye. Home, schools and daily routines are left behind, as are employees, friends, and sometimes pets. Moreover when we have to leave in a hurry, things are not ready for us at home. We have not organized accommodation. Even if we still have a house in our home country, it is often rented out. In some cases leaving means the loss of a job.